The book ‘the gifts of imperfection’ (see previous post) was the perfect thing at the perfect time for me, as was everything else that appeared in my life lately. I’ve alternated between feeling held back and beating myself up for not going for it more, but I feel I have got past that now. I’ve always had a big thing about not wanting to be a hypocrite – not wanting to share something I didn’t live 24/7, and turned it into trying to be perfect. Not because I was bothered by what others thought but because I realised how much I judged me if I wasn’t. My favourite phrases were ‘I should know better’ or ‘who am I to think I can help others when I still need help too?’ Now it’s twigged that it’s actually hypocrisy to be anything but be imperfect and keep going! Messing up is the fun part, I actually am OK with being completely wrong, and people seeing I’m completely wrong. God that feels good, why the hell did it take me so long!!! (stubborn perhaps??)
The book is actually based on studies about shame, and how we all feel shame for not appearing perfect in the way we are told to be, hiding bits of ourselves for fear if people knew….and the uncomfy feelings it could create if they did. That’s something else I got lately – I avoid discomfort. A lot of my working on myself was to avoid future discomfort, so now I see it as good – feeling uncomfy shows you where you can grow and get stronger. It teaches you about yourself more than being comfortable does. (I won’t be giving up my slippers though, lol, I have no desire to seek discomfort just not avoid it either.)
Another way I held myself back is I do things in extremes, totally immerse in something and then go the opposite before finding the middle way. I change my view as I learn but had decided consistency is better so not to share until I had found for certain. That’s not even logical really, we should change our view as we learn.
So many things have shifted lately, or clicked into place, and I wish I had shared as they did, but now I am happy to just put it out there rather than dissecting it’s value/ who am I to…and I will hopefully feel freer to write more. The imperfect me is less serious too, I no longer feel any pressure to say something that could make a difference. I knew all of the above intellectually but as ever beliefs are much more powerful than intellect. I didn’t yet believe I was good enough to just share me; because I so wanted to be someone who helped others be freer I trapped myself, and ironically probably achieved it less than by being freer myself. I hope so anyway.
Tomorrow I will start sharing in more detail, and hopefully more humour, I just wanted to get up to date!